a bird the colour
of cowardice saved mine lives
tweet irony


Problem Page

Photo by Ron Lach on

Inspired by a real problem page Q&A

Dear Abby I’ve a problem
that I simply have to tell:
my finger in my belly
button gets a funny smell.
I hope that you can help me
for it leaves me quite unwell.

Dear Reader do you start each
day by falling out of bed?
The problem that is vexing
you is simply in your head.
Stop scratching at your belly
button: wash your hands instead.

Time and Motion

And now to lower the tone – a surprise, I know, for you didn’t realise there was a higher tone on this blog.

This poem is part of a collection called The Book of Pooetry. For more information see the page. No horrible images, I promise.

Toilet courtesy of Absolute Hair, Edgeley.

And here’s the poem to read for yourself, if you couldn’t believe what you were hearing:

Time and Motion

I’m always here
On the loo.

It’s déjà poo.

Fun Poetry Fact #1


The longest poem ever written is called the Mahābhārata.
It has 200,000 lines and 1.8 million words. Bet my poems aren’t looking so tough now, are they, poetry haters? 🙂

You can read more about it on Wikipedia.

The shortest poem ever written might be one of mine: I have quite a few one-line poems; and even one with no words at all, just a title. As my good friend Ailie reminded me, British Poet Laureate Simon Armitage once said, ‘A poem is what I say it is.’

Of course, he’s the Poet Laureate and has published many collections, and I’m not and haven’t, so he can say that when I can’t, can’t he?

The principle stands, though, so my wordless poem is not just a title on a page, but a poem. Without words.

Vincent van Gogh

A landscape in which the starry night sky takes up two-thirds of the picture. In the left foreground a dark pointed cypress tree extends from the bottom to the top of the picture. To the left, village houses and a church with a tall steeple are clustered at the foot of a mountain range. The sky is deep blue. In the upper right is a yellow crescent moon surrounded by a halo of light. There are many bright stars large and small, each surrounded by swirling halos. Across the centre of the sky the Milky Way is represented as a double swirling vortex.


Vincent Willem van Gogh
Loved vivid blues and yellows
(or should that be yellogh?)
Chopped his ear off
In a dreadful huff
Didn’t feel enough
Cause: scornful rebuff

His head was sure a mess
At least, that’s what I guess
Since he died so long ago
You can say I just don’t know
How bad was his depression
This is merely my expression
Ergo: a post-impression